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Rules
Shortcuts to Analysis and Decision Making
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To simplify analysis and decision making, we reduce many of our beliefs to
simple rules. Stress, including our responses to threats, attacks, abuse, and
insults often cause us to revert to "primal thinking" based on the fallacy of
polarized thinking. The primitive rules often
create a rigid and absolute notion of good and evil.
Definitions
- Basis for drawing conclusions.
Example Primal Rules
Primal thinking relies on absolute, polarized, categories while it
dehumanizes the enemy or threat. When these faulty rules are used to interpret
another's behavior, they can lead to very wrong conclusions and hostile
overreactions. Here are some examples of rules that can result, along with a
more careful and accurate analysis.
| Need |
Primal Rule |
Accurate Analysis |
| Relatedness |
If you don't say Hi to me, you disrespect me. |
You can care without saying Hi!
You might be busy or tired. |
| Relatedness |
If I am not fully accepted or loved then I am being
rejected. |
There are many intermediate levels of acceptance.
Rejecting ideas does not imply rejecting the person. |
| Respect |
If you disagree with me you don't respect me. |
You have another point of view.
I may be incorrect or misinformed. |
| Respect |
If I don't strike back I am a wimp. |
Restraint may be called for.
Self-control is a characteristic of maturity.
Compassion takes courage and understanding. |
| Respect |
If you don't return my phone call you don't respect me. |
You may have missed the call
You may be busy or away from a phone
You may be following up at a later time
I might be annoying you |
| Respect |
If you (do or do not) look me in the eye you are challenging
or disrespecting me. |
I may know know or share that rule
I may be focusing on something else important |
| Control |
People should do what I want them to do. |
People are autonomous. |
| Control |
If I can't influence other people I must be powerless. |
People are autonomous.
Influence is complex and subtle.
The evidence is anecdotal, not systematic. |
| Respect |
People should always show me respect. |
They may not know you.
They may not always take time to acknowledge their respect.
You may not be earning respect right now. |
| Respect |
Anyone who disrespects me is my enemy. I should use violence
to teach them to respect me. |
They may be mistaken or uninformed.
They may not be serious.
Your opinion of your status is the only one that truly matters.
Self-control is a characteristic of strength and maturity. |
| Fairness |
If people criticize me, they are unfair. |
Constructive criticism may be warranted
People are entitled to their opinions |
| Reciprocity |
If I do something for you, you should do something for me. |
Reciprocity is not mandatory; people are autonomous.
They may not have appreciated what you did for them.
You may be expecting too much from them. |
| Respect |
A man doesn't have to take crap from his wife. |
Every insult doesn't have to get to me.
Maybe I deserve the feedback.
I can be the better person by ignoring the sniping. |
Rules are not to be broken
When we see others breaking our rules we want to punish the
cheaters; often violently.
Setting the Trap
Some hypersensitive people with fragile self-esteem establish a system of
(often unwritten) rules so
extensive, complex, and unreasonable that rules will inevitably be broken. Then
they use the broken rule as an excuse to retaliate; often
violently.
References
Prisoners of Hate: The Cognitive Basis of Anger, Hostility, and Violence ,
by Aaron T. Beck
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Fear, Sadness, Anger, Joy, Surprise, Disgust, Contempt,
Anger, Envy, Jealousy, Fright, Anxiety, Guilt, Shame, Relief, Hope, Sadness, Depression, Happiness,
Pride, Love, Gratitude, Compassion, Aesthetic Experience,
Joy, Distress, Happy-for, Sorry-for, Resentment, Gloating, Pride, Shame, Admiration, Reproach,
Love, Hate, Hope, Fear, Satisfaction, Relief, Fears-confirmed, Disappointment, Gratification,
Gratitude, Anger, Remorse,
power, dominance, status, relationships |
