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Tone of Communication
Communicating Power as we Speak
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We use several distinct styles of spoken communication and each one
communicates the power stance of the
relationship along with the semantics of
the message. The table below distinguishes between dialog, discussion, debate,
delegation, and dogma. Peers are equals and they collaborate using dialog. The
other forms either establish or reinforce asymmetrical, power-based relationships.
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Term |
Definition |
Power Stance |
Example |
| Dialog |
A conversation between two or more
people. An exchange of ideas or opinions. Root: Dia Logus, “Through Words” |
We are peers, collaborating to
solve a problem we are facing together. Let’s work together to discover an
understanding. Your views are essential to solving the problem. Completely
open to new ideas — Cooperation. |
Typical of the
best scientific inquiry and collaboration.
“What is the
best design for our new product?” |
| Discussion |
Consideration of a subject by a
group. Talk or writing in which the pros and cons of a subject are
considered. Root: same as Percussion, “ping pong,” back and forth, offense
and defense. |
I am scoring points against your
arguments. Your point of view will eventually come around. Somewhat open to
new ideas — Consideration. |
A typical
conversation that begins by expressing a point of view or suggesting a
solution, rather than stating a problem or need.
“May I bounce
my new design off of you?” |
| Debate |
To engage in argument by
discussing opposing points Root: from debatre, to fight, contend. |
I am right, you are wrong, your
way of thinking is incorrect, the facts you present are incorrect. Your
point of view is wrong. You need to submit to my better judgment. Not open
to new ideas — Contention. |
Presidential
debates: “I am clearly the best candidate.” “No, I am clearly the best
candidate.”
Development: “This is the best
design.”
Marketing: “We
can't afford to wait so long for you to build it.” |
| Delegation |
To assign work and responsibility
to someone else. Root: from delegatus, to appoint. |
I have power and you don’t. What I
want and need are important, your needs are not. Why don’t you just keep
quiet or do it yourself — Control. |
“I think it
would be great if we had a department picnic.” “Great idea, why don’t you
plan it.”
Development: “How do you expect
us to meet that deadline?”
Management:
That's what I hired you to figure out.”
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| Dogma |
An authoritative principle,
belief, or statement of ideas or opinion, especially one considered to be
absolute truth. Root: dogma, that which one thinks true, a decree |
I have the power, you do not. This
is truth. Do this. Do not debate or discuss. Comply or else. There is no
other point of view. Completely closed to new ideas — Conformance,
submission. |
“The earth is
the center of the universe.”
“We've always
done it this way.” |
In addition to the power stance described above for each mode of
communication, our spoken communications often contain many other
primal messages.
We can respond:
- directly, responsively, and with confidence
- directly, with hesitancy or doubt,
- directly, admitting we don't know,
- Indirectly,
- with sarcasm,
- seriously, solemnly,
- with a joke,
- with an insult,
- by change the subject,
- with an attack,
- by shaming or blaming the victim,
- condescendingly,
- kindly,
- cruelly,
- helpful,
- needy,
- carefully,
- thoughtfully,
- carelessly,
- truthfully,
- dishonestly, disingenuously, or insincerely,
- with a dismissal,
- patiently,
- impatiently
- quickly,
- slowly
- with our full attention,
- distracted,
- by submitting to a demand,
- by rebelling from a demand
Each of these response styles shifts the power stance and other dimensions of
the relationship. [figure this out.
use the "Relationship Status" below as the dimensions. Create a state diagram showing
how each response type moves the relationship status. How can I reduce the
dimensions of this? How do the "primal messages" relate to the relationship
status?]
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Request Forms |
Listening Modes |
Reply Forms |
- Statement, Provide Information
- Inquiry, Request Information
- Request action,
- Demand action,
- Exclaim emotion,
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- Attentive or inattentive,
- Patient or Impatient,
- Interrupting or not,
- Believing or disbelieving,
- Interested or bored,
- Understanding or baffled
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- Information Response,
- Question for clarification,
- Non-responsive,
- compliance,
- rebellion
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Poison Phrases
Meryl Runion uses the term "Poison Phrases" to describe how we often
antagonize people we communicate with while denying our personal
responsibility. Recently she took an
(unscientific) poll to identify
the ten most
offensive poison phrases. They are: 1) Shut up, 2) It’s not my job, 3)
What’s Your problem? 4) Whatever, 5) Bite me, 6) I’m just a clerk, 7)
If you say so, 8) I couldn’t care less, 9) I don’t care, and
10) I’m done with you.
References:
Games People Play, by M.D. Eric Berne
How to Use Power Phrases to Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say, &
Get What You Want by Meryl Runion
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Fear, Sadness, Anger, Joy, Surprise, Disgust, Contempt,
Anger, Envy, Jealousy, Fright, Anxiety, Guilt, Shame, Relief, Hope, Sadness, Depression, Happiness,
Pride, Love, Gratitude, Compassion, Aesthetic Experience,
Joy, Distress, Happy-for, Sorry-for, Resentment, Gloating, Pride, Shame, Admiration, Reproach,
Love, Hate, Hope, Fear, Satisfaction, Relief, Fears-confirmed, Disappointment, Gratification,
Gratitude, Anger, Remorse,
power, dominance, status, relationships |
