We spend too much time and waste too much energy in futile attempts to change what we cannot change. It is a major cause of frustration and more intense forms of anger. The rational evidence for determining what we can change and what we cannot is overwhelming, but our behavior often tries to defy this reason and logic. Behavior based on the lower two levels of the architecture for interaction model is impossible to change. Those at the upper levels can be changed. Perhaps this list can help you sort it out, reduce your frustrations, and increase your peace.

Things You Can Change

What you do:

• Your present behavior,
• Your future behavior,
• How you respond to the behavior of others,
• How you spend your time,
• Who you spend time with, the friends you keep, your participation in relationships,
• How you apply your talents and strengths.
• The strengths you choose to acquire, develop, and apply.
• Initiative, drive, commitment, tenacity, focus,
• Who waits for whom,
• The promises you keep,
• Your level of nutrition and fitness,
• Habits, both good and bad
• The choices you make,
• Preparations and plans you make,
• Impulse control,
• Integrity,
• The path you take,
• Your behaviors that annoy others,
• Where you live, where you work, where you play, your career,
• The responsibility you take for yourself, and who you choose to blame,
• When you obey, when you submit, when you rebel, when you protest, and when you blow the whistle.
• Where you shop, how you spend, and how you save,
• How you use your power.
• Reappraise, apologize, forgive, let go, and take responsibility for yourself

What you communicate to others:

• What you say, how you say it, who you say it to, and when you say it,
• Who you greet, and how you greet them,
• Facial expressions, body language, gestures, posture,
• Grooming, dress, and personal hygiene,
• The attitude you project,
• What you write and share,
• Who you include and who you exclude,
• The topics you avoid, and those you engage,
• Authentic information or deceptive, manipulative, incomplete, or disingenuous disinformation.
• The promises you make,
• Who you like, who you trust, who you dislike, who you distrust,
• Who you show respect to and who you are disrespectful of,
• What you are willing to tolerate, and what you take a stand on,
• Your public image,
• Who you interrupt and who you allow to interrupt you.

What you know:

• Facts,
• Understanding,
• The evidence you consider,
• Expertise, skills, and how you apply your talents,
• Literacy, logic, quantitative skills, domain knowledge,
• What you study, read, listen to, and learn,
• Your self-image

How you think:

• What you believe,
  • stereotypes,
  • religious beliefs,
  • loyalty
• What you value, how you evaluate information, the priorities you set, what you want.
• The focus of your attention, what you regard as important and what you regard as unimportant.
• Your mood, attitude, and point of view,
• Your compassion, empathy, and understanding of others.
• Your level of skepticism, and openness to new ideas
• Interest, investigation, imagination, and curiosity,
• How you choose friends and who you regard as friends,
• How you learn,
• Your level of emotional competency

What you hope, dream, and aspire to:

• Your goals
• Your hopes and aspirations
• Your role models

Things You Cannot Change

The past, the laws of physics, the weather, human nature, personality traits, another person's beliefs or thoughts (unless they choose to change),  someone who doesn't want to change themselves who you are related to, human needs, sexual preference [get solid reference], your talent, things you do not acknowledge.

Things you may be able to change

another person's behavior. Classical conditioning can be extinguished [develop pages on this]

[add a discussion of "learned helplessness"]

Vital Distinctions

You can change what you want, but you cannot change what you need.

You cannot change another person, but you can change how you treat them, how you react to them, your opinions and judgments of them, and your relationship with them.

You cannot change the past, but you can reappraise, apologize, forgive, let go, take responsibility for yourself, learn, change the present and the future, and move forward.

A Buddhist Perspective on Inner Peace

Inner peace is the only peace, there is no other kind. What would external peace be? It is fruitless to pray for peace because it is already within you, you already have it, it cannot be given to you. Peace is only achieved by removing obstacles to it. Sanskrit prayers usually end with "Om, shanti, shanti, shanti" Shanti is the Sanskrit word for "quietly" or "peace"

Peace comes from removing obstacles in three areas:

1. Disturbances from other people - you cannot change other people

2. Disturbances not from other people (e.g. natural disasters, events in the past, today's weather)

3. Disturbances you cause yourself - these you can change.

Understanding what you can change and what you cannot change is the path to inner peace.

The Serenity Prayer

As the original prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. — Reinhold Niebuhr.

As a request: May I have the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. — Adaptation by Meryl Runion.

As an affirmation: I have the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

Quotations:

• I can feel guilty about the past, apprehensive about the future, but only in the present can I act. The ability to be in the present moment is a major component of mental wellness. ~ Abraham Maslow
• You cannot change what you do not acknowledge. ~ Dr. Phil McGraw.
• Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way. ~ Victor Frankl

References:

What You Can Change and What You Can't : The Complete Guide to Successful Self-Improvement Learning to Accept Who You Are by Martin E. Seligman

Motivational Interviewing, Second Edition: Preparing People for Change, by William R. Miller, Stephen Rollnick

30 Days, Morgan Spurlock, TV Series